My husband and I always tell our children that they need to grow taller than us. Neither of us is short, but the directive serves as deliberate goal-setting—encompassing nutrition, rest, physical activity, and measured screen exposure. The aspiration is simultaneously literal and metaphorical: to surpass us in every dimension of existence.

Parents are frequently accused of living vicariously through their children. While this may hold true in certain instances, the overwhelming majority harbor a simpler desire: for their children to surpass their own achievements—physical, academic, and spiritual. The critical question becomes: how do we authentically facilitate such growth?

Many parents falter by overlooking a fundamental truth—that embodying growth is the catalyst for their children’s development. They invest time in pursuits fundamentally at odds with what they expect their children to value, or they insist their children excel in precisely the domains where they themselves succeeded, as if human potential could be stamped from identical molds like gingerbread figures.

The initial error lies in deeming children too young to engage with their own development. Whether cultivating emotional intelligence, articulating viewpoints, or pursuing athletic excellence, children cannot strive toward goals they’ve never been invited to imagine. I deliberately use “aspirations” rather than “expectations”—we can guide and encourage their utmost effort, but the destination may ultimately differ from our initial vision, and that divergence need not constitute failure.

Consider the parent who persistently champions tennis excellence when their child’s authentic aptitude lies in swimming. When the child recognizes this truth and gravitates toward aquatic pursuits, disappointment may initially surface. Yet if you’ve consistently emphasized principles—physical wellness, discipline, personal excellence—rather than fixating on tennis trophies specifically, both parent and child emerge victorious. The principle remains intact even as the pathway transforms.

The second mistake parents fall prey to is expecting their children to lead lives they themselves don’t model. If you approach your own prayers haphazardly yet constantly keep telling your child to pray, at some point in their life they will eventually summon the courage to confront your contradiction. If you subsist on processed foods while force-feeding them vegetables, resistance becomes inevitable. If your life demonstrates neither activism nor communal engagement, they cannot possibly grasp these values’ significance.

Regardless of a child’s age, you remain their primary compass for navigating life’s complexities. Often they lack the vocabulary to articulate this dependence, yet they profoundly need you to incarnate the life you envision for them. They require a living testament. They must witness your struggles to develop their own capacity for perseverance when trials arrive.

We operate under a seductive fallacy: that providing our children with comfort and ease cultivates their growth. This assumption inverts reality. Struggle serves as growth’s indispensable vehicle—all meaningful development transpires beyond the perimeter of one’s comfort zone. Excessive comfort atrophies their drive to exert the pressure necessary to rupture their protective cocoon and flourish into their destined selves.

While each parent may harbor distinct visions for their children’s adulthood, certain principles remain universal: Engage them in substantive dialogue early and consistently. Involve them as active participants in pursuing their aspirations. Participate meaningfully in their developmental journey, honor their milestones, and openly discuss moments where they fell short. Commit to genuine presence. Resist the impulse to extract them prematurely from difficulty—observe vigilantly for signs of genuinely unhealthy patterns, but until that threshold, maintain your position as a supportive guide.

Most importantly, personify the traits you want for them to hold. Master time management if you desire it for them. Maintain physical activity if you expect it of them. Deepen your relationship with the Quran if you hope for them to us it at their lifelong moral compass.

Allah has addressed all Muslims on this matter in Surah As-Saff, instilling in us the obligation to live singular lives aligned with our words, free from hypocrisy or double standards:

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لِمَ تَقُولُونَ مَا لَا تَفْعَلُونَ ٢

Oh you who believe, why do you say what you do not do?

كَبُرَ مَقْتًا عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ مَا لَا تَفْعَلُونَ ٣

How despicable it is in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do?