For some, genius erupts through chaos. My daughter always uses her messy room as an excuse to justify her intellectual abilities. Smart people don’t have time to clean up. Smart people become absorbed with ideas. Smart people are consumed with their thoughts. Hence smart people simply do not see clutter! 

For others to shine, everything must be orderly. It is impossible to think with the clutter. It is difficult to come up with new ideas when as far as the eye can wander, things are out of place. It is impossible to make time for other tasks until the cleaning wand has restored items to their original home. Then they sigh, a sigh of serenity. And then they get to work, after having closed all the unnecessary tabs in their minds. 

For those deep diving in chaos, planning is like cleaning. It is somehow happening deep in their cortex with no visible timeline. In fact, time is a plane independent of theirs. The ticking of the clock does not interfere with the movement of the neurons in their brains. 

For the planners, work simply cannot begin without a to-do list—often with a finite timeframe. Because how else would one achieve anything? Was there really any other way to go about life without knowing the starting point, the direction of movement, and the destination? 

It took me years to strike a balance. In fact, it took many painful incidents, far too many unnecessary arguments, ridiculous amounts of pent-up rage from the inability to keep a clutter-free house, the snapping of something in my head from being unable to remain punctual due to others’ inability to look at the clock. Everything that challenged the ultra-disciplined, ultra-timely, ultra-dependable and ultra-responsible individual that I had always been. The one whose siblings, friends, neighbours, and even parents relied on her. The lush, sprawling, sheltering tree whose shade kept everyone tranquil. And as time passed, the tree began to wilt under excessive heat. Its roots, that once held the soil with firmness, were beginning to feel the effects of sharing its due water with all the saplings under its shade of protection. Its sturdy trunk, now leaning slightly, kept trying to extend its branches to continue to protect its dependents, young and old alike.

Until the branches could no longer extend and they began to lose their leaves. That is when realization hit. It was never I that was in control—the Almighty had been guiding me to fulfill all those roles. It wasn’t always my burden to bear, it wasn’t my own wisdom I was sharing, and it wasn’t my tired body that was meant to hold up the entire fort.

Today I have found some fraction of balance. I cannot be convinced that life can be lived without a plan, but maybe timeframes can be more flexible. I can also not be convinced out of taking responsibility for many things that aren’t really mine to put up with, but maybe I’m more at peace with the outcome, which was never in my hands to begin with. 

I always knew I wasn’t the operator of the gears of my life and I certainly wasn’t the planner. I was always living a pre-destined plan, written by the Greatest Planner. Yet I had subconsciously been living otherwise. Allah has said: إن الصلاة كانت على المؤمنين كتابا موقوتا

Indeed, performing prayers is a duty on the believers at appointed times.. (4:103)

So yes. Time was meant to be a critical element in our lives. But He didn’t ordain it to the second. He gave us a window of time to observe it in. He also went further and told us what to do if we were to miss a prayer. So it was ok to drop the ball occasionally, so long as you knew your way back.

And the Quran taught me that life absolutely needed order. “The sun must not catch up to the moon, nor does the night outpace the day. Each one is travelling in an orbit (of its own motion).” (36:40) So chaos was not Allah’s way. But to remember—rather constantly remind myself— that He is the One in command. We must strive to emulate His wondrous qualities but it is impossible to truly control anything when He Himself says “The creation and the command belong to Him ˹alone˺. Blessed is Allah—Lord of all worlds!” (7:54)

So here’s to maintaining old habits garnered through the labyrinth that was my childhood. But also to unlearning those that negated His Qudrah. And to learning to coexist with others who have chaotic yet content lives. Alhamdulillah for the gifts of time and insight and some amount of wisdom that have allowed me to permit myself the luxury to lean back and just watch the chaos around me without always trying to “fix” it.